Today I’m Not Feeling Happy

Have you ever woken up from a long sleep and just felt like “this is going to be the longest day in history!”

That’s how I’m feeling today.
I feel as if there’s no right I can do, only wrong! I’m not necessarily feeling down in the dumps, not depressed but have a dreaded feeling I just can’t shake.

Is this my bipolar disorder kicking in? Am I just going through what everyone else experiences?

I’ve damn near smoked 1/2 a pack of cigarettes, on my 2nd cup of coffee, and its only 11:30 am!

I’ve managed to keep to my schedule of exercising and eating a bit before I took my morning medication.

Yesterday was a fairly good day, until I screwed up! It wasn’t a massive screw-up but enough that it’s run a muck into today!

I’ve apologized profusely!

I suppose it is my bipolar disorder kicking its ugly head-in! After all, most people don’t drag this kind of feeling into the next day! Do they?

I’m pretty good about taking my medication so unless it stopped working for me (doubtful), I suppose all this is just in my head.

I suppose the best way to describe my mood is overly somber. I’m overly cautious about my mood, what I say, and how I say it.

I’m afraid I’m going to screw-up again!

I’ve done the usual self check: don’t think I’m manic (as of the day before yesterday), and I know I’m not depressed.

How in the world will I get over this dreaded feeling?

First of all I’ve written this all down in my mood journal. I’ve cleared the air with my husband over my screw-up. All is good there!

I’ve sat with my eyes closed meditating on the positive, trying to re-center myself. I’ve also tried distraction by cleaning my house. I have also sat outside with my music on to try to change my mood.

All good steps to take when feeling down, lost, or just out of sorts.

I’m not in crisis so no need to contact crisis support but I do feel the need to talk this out. So I called my mom to soundboard my day.

I am now feeling better than I did! I realized I was in the wrong yesterday, and have learned to take a different approach to how I acted.

I so want to blame it all on my bipolar disorder but that would be an excuse. It was part of it but my actions were a choice.

I’m sure many of you have gone through a tough time as I, and can relate.

I realize its important to not beat myself up over it (as I’m really good at doing) but to talk it through, make amends, learn from the mistake, and move on.




Living with type 1 bipolar disorder, PTSD (due to childhood trauma), Rapid Cycling, and Seasonal Affective Disorder. Writing about my life experiences.

0 thoughts on “Today I’m Not Feeling Happy

  • Avatar
    July 7, 2015 at 4:51 pm

    I just mentioned a feeling somewhat similar to what you describe as “dread” and “somber” to my psychiatrist at our appointment today. He said (and I like him, he seems to know what he’s doing) that sometimes after a depression (I had a long bad episode of depression two months ago) or any other BD episode it is not unusual to retain feelings of dread, or to lose confidence, and that these feelings get better with the repetition of actions that increase self confidence and decrease dread (such as the exercise you are engaging in.)

    • thebipolarmaniac
      July 7, 2015 at 5:16 pm

      Thank you! Sounds like a wise man! Its always nice to know I’m on the right path! I’m actually coming out of severe depression, and into mania! Its been an interesting few days to say the least! But, I stick with my grounding techniques and cross my fingers!


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