So I last mentioned that things got worse. Suppose its fitting for things to worsen before it gets better!
A few weeks went by, I was still rocking out to Eminem, still had a butt load of energy, grandiose thinking, felt invincible, and only thought of me…well sort of. If it pertained to my best interest it was a good idea!
There was a Fashion Show at the High School, and as usual I found a way for me to leave my house. So, I volunteered to help out! Mind you the snow was rearing its ugly head again, and it would be just a matter of time before we got snowed in. It was becoming time to plan my exit.
I had put a lot of time outside my house volunteering for all sorts of school stuff. For example, the high school site council, and in my little guys 1st grade class. I was still trying to maintain my vegetable garden, learn how to crochet, and lose weight to name a few. I was wearing myself thin.
It had finally come to the final three days before the fashion show, and being as the snow was about to get bad enough that we could get snowed in and not make the show. I decided it was time to leave home.
I packed up, and left the house. While I didn’t have a place to go as of yet that didn’t matter, I was going to get my freedom from home, and my husband would stay behind. I felt like I needed some time away from him and home. What better outlet and excuse to leave then the fashion show!
I settled on our local motel for me to stay in. Everyone was safe and sound, and I got to be on my own for a few days! I would eventually spend most of my days volunteering my time to the fashion show up to the day. But my nights were mine to do with as I wished.
I often felt that having children so young in life (started at 17) left me to miss out on the experiences in my youth.
So, I frequented our local bar at night. Something I rarely did without my husband. Drinking there, socializing, then going back to my motel room to drink some more. I did this for 3-days. I lived free and vicariously without the constraints of my husband.
I meet some people, lets say I shouldn’t have befriended, and say eventually dropped. But nonetheless I was mixing with the likes of not so good people.
The Fashion Show came and went, and the day after I awoke in my motel room early to a text from my husband. Mind you, we hardly communicated while I was in town per my orders. The text said “I’ve made it out of the snow, and coming into town, where are you?”
I never told him where I was staying or what I was doing while away from home. As I knew he wouldn’t approve. Frankly, in my right mind neither would I!
I was for good reason in a panic, and quickly checked out of my room. Threw away all evidence of my partying and headed into town, where I would stumble upon my husband. I was a bit anxious upon seeing him, and thought I might smell of alcohol still. Even though I sprayed myself with perfume before I left my room. I was nervous at the sight of seeing him. We hugged, kissed and he was happy to see me. In actuality, regardless of my nerves I was happy to see him too!
May be from my guilt of what I had been doing the last three days, but I was happy to see him. I could tell though something was wrong. Oh, god did he know? Could he have figured it out? The man was however really good at reading people…damn it!
Well, he knew something was up. But kept it to himself for a while.
Eventually, we would do a little grocery shopping and went home. The snow did trap my husband in for those three days but had finally melted enough for him to get out, and for us to go home.
I had fun stories about the fashion show to tell but nothing else. There was a gap in my whereabouts. This began to concern him. He later tried to find out where I was for 3-days, and find out what I had been up to.
I would get mad at him, frustrated by all his accusations, and bottle up.
A few days later I went on a shopping spree, and got a new tattoo. I never told my husband anything, I just went out and did it. I was spending money we didn’t have. Well, I came home with a bunch of new clothes, and a new tattoo which not surprisingly so, he was surprised! This was still out of character for me.
After this, he changed my ability to access our money, and rightfully so. He was worried I would spend us poor.
Things at this point all began to fail. I was overly emotional, had a hard time paying attention, would seclude myself at home, I would be on my cell phone texting a lot, and super sensitive.
I was arguing a lot with my husband at this time, again not something typical in our relationship.
Eventually, my husband would sit me down and talk to me about all that had been going on, and try to get out of me what other things he was unaware of but suspected. He also told me he had been doing a lot of research and talked to his dad, and thought I was imbalanced. That he saw way to many patterns over the past decade to be a coincidence, and my actions over the last few month scared him including my rapid weight loss. This infuriated me to no end. I immediately shut down. End of discussion.
My emotions on overdrive and paranoia in full blow, I bailed out of the house again. Driving, who knows where. My memory is a bit foggy around this time. I remember pulling over at some point on the highway and had an anxiety attack, I broke down in tears! My heart racing, my head warm and tingling. I felt everything was moving fast and I couldn’t slow it down.
I don’t really know how long I was there crying and freaking out. I’m just grateful no officer stopped to see me flipping out. That may have landed me in the Psych Ward. Although, maybe that’s where I should have been.
I came to the conclusion that something may be wrong with me. I may be imbalanced or something. I hated to admit it but maybe my husband was right.
My mind was racing, my guilt was overwhelming, my anxiety was unmanageable, I couldn’t take it any longer. I collected myself, drove home and decided it was time to get this off my shoulders.
It took me a few days to do it but I eventually pulled my husband into our bedroom, sat down on our bed, and confessed all that had gone on. I was scared he would leave me, scared how he would react, did I just effectively sign my divorce papers?
Instead, we both cried! For awhile. It became a healing moment vs. a major fight. He only wanted me to be mentally healthy, safe, and happy. I was surprised but relieved. In our talk we decided to get help. I never in a thousand years would have guessed Bipolar.
The air was clear, and everything I knew my husband now knew. I know I hurt him by keeping secrets and in our relationship that just wasn’t normal. We were the couple that talked everything out, hid nothing, and rarely fought. This was a totally new experience. I never ever wanted to go through it again, and never ever wanted to hurt my husband like that again! All my actions were totally out of character for me. This was not your everyday me! I realized this and we took the 1st step together to get help! I was so scared. Still worried he would leave my crazy ass. But, he reassured me how much he loved me, and how we’ll take this journey together not apart! We’ve now been together for over 13 years…and counting! Stronger than ever!
As you know from my first post we did seek help. I was diagnosed type I bipolar, currently on medication and go to therapy weekly. My husband comes with me to all my appointments, and talks in my therapy sessions. It’s been a healing experience for us both. We’ve grown stronger as people, and more importantly in our marriage through this experience. Like I said I never want to go through that feeling or experience again, and in maintaining my strength I stay on my meds, talk to my husband ever day about how I’m feeling, and keep all my therapy appointments. I’ve been stable now for a year and a half.
I’ve learned that I have the most wonderful, supportive husband, and a great family! There is no end to how strong a family can be!