My Day With Mania

bipolar_disorder

I recently came out of a wicked 3-month long depression. I found out my favorite psychiatrist is leaving our local clinic, and I’m starting to go through mania!

What a pile of shit, huh!

Last I told you my doctor upped my Prozac to 40 mg. and that’s what popped me out of my severe depression.

Unfortunately, as I mentioned my great doctor has stated he is quitting. I would eventually find my services at our county mental health center instead, as there was no replacement for him at the clinic.

Medical 385

Ironically, my great doctor (unbeknownst to me) also worked at the county mental health center. Guess who I got assigned too? Yep, my good ole doc! I couldn’t have been more happier!

Now, the fun part. My mania.

As I sit here writing this I’m in mania. My apologies if this seems scattered.

scattered

My symptoms are worsening by the day. I’m experiencing: Rapid speech, racing thoughts, approaching insomnia, and heightened energy.

It’s weird as all of this is coming on so slowly. It’s like watching a bad horror flick, where you can see it coming before anyone else!

family-watching-horror_0

I express to my husband my feelings, and he validates a few that he’s noticed over a weeks time.

I’m beginning to lose my ability to concentrate, and pay attention. It’s frankly quite scary.

I’ve spoken to my great doctor, and he upped my Tegretol another pill. I’m now at 600 mg. Though, I feel no effect by it as of yet. Not sure I even will!

As you know, a little of my mania history. I tend to get into a little trouble. I’m praying I’m able to control this episode.

I’m feeling a little lost and confused.

Another issue I have is paranoid delusions. I tend to think people are out to get me. This turns me into a recluse. Social anxiety is what it eventually becomes.

ParanoidD

I also experience hallucinations, and i hear things. I see a dark man. Silhouette shape, about average height (5′ 9″), and he travels between rooms. He scares me greatly! I don’t like seeing him! I try to close my eyes and imagine happy things to get him to go away.

Sometimes it helps, some days not!

darkman

I’ve recently seen him, and know my mania is worsening.

I also hear music playing that isn’t there. Sometimes its just instrumental, sometimes its lyrical. But needless to say, I’m the only one who hears it. I have yet heard any music.

Finally, I feel things crawling on me. This I’ve dealt with for a few weeks. I’m not a drug user, and don’t understand why this is. But its something I deal with.

scratch

In the past, I’ve felt the need to bail out of my house. For example: My husband being kind and giving me gifts. During mania, this often makes me feel suffocated. As though I can’t breathe!

This puts me in that “fight or flight”moment. I usually take off, and for hours at a time!

FightOrFlight

This morning I’m feeling “UP” as I call it, sort of high. There’s a warm tingle feeling in my head. Honestly, it feels good! I’m not going to lie!

I haven’t felt this good in several months! But with that feeling comes great caution. Caution that my manic episode is worsening. As a matter of fact I’ve been waking up at 4:00 am for a few days. Today, I was up at 3:34 am.

Signs of danger vastly approaching!

danger

Though, I’m not sure if it’s always been this way or if I’m just cognizant of it now but it’s slow coming on. Again, this scares me as I have no control over my body anymore.

The one thing I really dislike about mania (besides the obvious) is my lack of memory!

I do things, and don’t know I did or said them. Almost like amnesia. This happens a lot during my manic episodes. I feel bad because there are some harsh things I’ll say to my husband, and frankly don’t remember ever saying it.

dumb sayings

I feel as if I’m two people during this time. One side is the real me, loving, caring, jovial, outgoing, always helping others, nerd, sci-fi fanatic, tech geek. The other is unrecognizable thinks only of herself, says mean things, never sleeps, irritable, always taking off, gives threats of divorce.

two_sides_to_one_person

Frankly, it’s really hard and exhausting going through mania! I wish it upon no one!

I have an appointment next week with my psychiatrist, and if my mania worsens he’ll put me on a new medication. What that is at this point I don’t know. But it will be to help control the mania. I’ll keep you posted!

This I just my experience. Each of us has similarities but its personal to each. If you care to share your experience, please do so in the comments. You may also DM me via twitter.

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bipolarme

bipolarme

Living with type 1 bipolar disorder, PTSD (due to childhood trauma), Rapid Cycling, and Seasonal Affective Disorder. Writing about my life experiences.

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