My Bipolar Ghosts

When I was a little girl, I believed I was being haunted by ghosts.
I often saw what I called a shadowy figure/silhouette “Dark Man!” It looks like a silhouette of a man about 6-feet tall.

This figure haunts me up to this day. Sometimes it was accompanied by a deep male voice calling out my name.

What I saw as haunting turned out to be a hallucination.

I was diagnosed about 4-years ago with type 1 bipolar disorder. As I would find out it was not ghosts but something in my head.

For a few decades I believed in the paranormal. I studied it, read numerous articles, and followed social media on it.

To my surprise, I was also diagnosed with psychosis, a form of hallucinations and delusions.

You can imagine my surprise finding out I wasn’t crazy, but was a bit crazy!

When manic, I experience hallucinations. It has progressed over the years. I see more images that haunt me, and there usually accompanied by voices or the sound of music.

No one around me hears or see’s what I do. That alone was a trigger for me, a confirmation I was alone in this experience.

I don’t have control over these episodes. They last several minutes at a time. They also can occur several consistent days at a time.

I’ve tried praying to make them go away with no luck. I’ve tried closing my eyes and thinking of a happy place to distract my mind into making it disappear. Usually with no luck.

It just has to go away on its own.

My psychiatrist has me on 2-antipsychotics, 1-anticonvulsant, and 1-antidepressant.

These help, but on occasion I have a breakthrough episode.

I have experienced these episodes during depression, but it’s not as bad as during mania.

I really don’t know how to manage these episodes outside of medication. I do attend therapy every week. But there’s only so much my therapist can offer me in respects to handling these moments.

A few of her suggests are:

  • Keep a log to better confer with my psychiatrist
  • Try finding a task to distract the moment
  • Turn on all the lights in the house if dark out
  • Call a friend, family member or crisis hotline
  • Turn on the radio or TV

These have helped me deter some of those scary moments.

For whatever reason when I was young these figures didn’t seem so scary as ghosts. But as hallucinations they terrify me.

The delusions I experience are generally during mania too, when I have grandiose thinking.

I have experienced the thought I was super woman and could do anything I put my mind too. Mind you I didn’t think I could fly, but though I had super powers and there was absolutely nothing that could stand in my way!

I spent money on all sorts of things from body art to blowing money at a black friday sale at WalMart. Mind you this was at midnight.

I would go to the local bar and sing karaoke. In my defense I don’t sound bad but still in my right mind I’d NEVER have the courage to do so.

So you see why psychosis is a haunting issue for me. If it’s not the hallucinations or voices, it’s the delusions that haunt me.

I can say that with the proper medications and therapy, I have been more stable and haven’t had a full-blown episode in a couple years.

I can’t implore to you enough, if you experience hallucinations or delusions to talk it over with your psychiatrist, primary care physician, and therapist. They can help!

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bipolarme

Living with type 1 bipolar disorder, PTSD (due to childhood trauma), Rapid Cycling, and Seasonal Affective Disorder. Writing about my life experiences.

5 thoughts on “My Bipolar Ghosts

  • May 26, 2015 at 9:10 am
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    Life is sometimes crapy with bipolar your stable and then the merry go round whizzing head hits you like a train

    Reply
  • May 27, 2015 at 11:25 pm
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    Really got something from your post. I have friends with bipolar and it has always amazed me how they cope. I have depression and anxiety, and that is enough for me. I would like to add your post to my blog as a re blog if you don’t mind?
    Could I also contact you re doing a guest post for me?

    Reply

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