Living With Depression

I’m sitting here, alone in the near dark. I’m writing this using my cell phone. The feeling that is over burdening is loneliness. Behind that is sadness.

Why I’m feeling this, I don’t know. But its ravaging my mind.

My eyes feel heavy, not sleepy but heavy. My body lacks the want to move. I can hear my heart beating in my chest, why this is I’m unclear..but its becoming an annoyance to me.

My breathing has slowed down, my pulse is steady. I have a million thoughts running through my mind. Things, I shouldn’t be contemplating.

Why me? Why now? Is this some sort of cosmic punishment? So many questions, yet there’s no one to answer them.

Today happens to be a stormy one. It’s 5:30 p.m. and it’s almost dark. The clouds are blocking the sun. The rain is pouring to make a beautiful backdrop, but I’m too down to enjoy nature. It’s cold, but I hardly notice it.

Around this time, I would go talk to my husband, and tell him what’s going on. But, he is busy writing an article, and I don’t wish to disturb him. Yes, I know I should but I’m choosing not to..this time.

Depression is an ugly beast to burden. One does not choose to wear this heavy amour. It’s as if I were chosen at random. I can never preclude when, were, why, or how it comes on.

Luckily, this time I’m not feeling suicidal. I’m mainly feeling sad, lonely, and depressed.

Could my Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) finally be making its approach?

The days are shorter (less sun), wetter (rain & impending snow), and cold. A recipe for helping to bring on depression.

I’m feeling hungry and muster all the energy I have to cook something. Well, my result is I end-up burning myself because I wasn’t paying enough attention! I burned my food to boot. I chose to substitute for a bowl of cereal instead.

I’m still on that “Why me?”

My house is quiet. Dogs are resting, my son is watching a movie in his room, and I am sitting alone in the dark.

I don’t wish this feeling on anyone! What scares me is I’m left in silence to hear my own thoughts. This is building my anxiety 100%.

As I sit here, I contemplate why it is I’m feeling depressed, sad, and lonely. Frankly, I have no reason. Maybe there is no reasoning to my feelings. But it is real, at least for me at this very moment.

I just don’t want to feel this, I don’t!

For many of you, I know you can relate.

If you’re in what you believe is a crisis moment, don’t hesitate to call a friend, family member, someone! Play with your pets, turn on your therapy light, try writing out your thoughts.

I’m taking my own advice! Trying my damnedest to overcome this moment.

If you’ve been down this road before, share in the comments how you over-come it, or tips you’d like to share on how you cope.

Share
bipolarme

bipolarme

Living with type 1 bipolar disorder, PTSD (due to childhood trauma), Rapid Cycling, and Seasonal Affective Disorder. Writing about my life experiences.

4 thoughts on “Living With Depression

  • October 27, 2014 at 1:33 pm
    Permalink

    I have to guiltily admit, I SLEEP. When I’m down, sleeping does it for me. I just give in to those feelings, curl up under the duvet, cry, stare off into space, and finally sleep. I indulge myself just for a little bit. And then its back to bargaining – if I cook dinner I can go straight back to bed; if I wash my hair I can get take aways etc. I hope the sadness lifts soon

    Reply
  • November 8, 2014 at 11:18 pm
    Permalink

    Yes there is nothing like the lure of sleep. I can spend days in my comfortable bed, under the fluffy duvet and surrounded by pillows. It feels like such a safe place compared to walking around in the slog of daylight. Night, maybe, is a little easier to move in… But the sun, to me, feels like the judgemental, harsh spotlight of the world baring all my faults and ways I don’t add up.

    It is such a challenge to pull out of that state. Even now, though I am feeling pretty good, I still can stay in bed until 1pm.

    Reply
  • October 22, 2015 at 4:09 pm
    Permalink

    Life is a hard and difficult time in the little time we have in it. … some days are Better than the rest but lately I’ve tried to thank God for everything good in my life… food house kids Sun stars ect…. it kinda helps
    I wish you well
    sxxxx

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Think Positive

Dr. Stephen Covey

Every human has four endowments- self-awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change.

Demi Lovato

No matter what you're going through, there's a light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem hard to get to it but you can do it and just keep working towards it and you'll find the positive side of things.

Elbert Hubbard

Positive anything is better than negative nothing.