Leading Up To The Big Meltdown Part 1 of 2

storytelling

Bare with me a bit. My mind jumps around, but I feel this is the best way to tell my story.

So, I told you how I was diagnosed but I haven’t elaborated on what lead up to it.

Lets go back to 2010 when I was falling apart before my diagnosis, and had a major manic episode.

In the winter I was experiencing major depression. Which I now know is Seasonal Affective Disorder. I was sitting around depressed. Couldn’t move much, heck brushing my teeth was a chore!

I had seen my fair share of snow at this point, and grateful a sunny season was vastly approaching! I started to feel better once the snow melted and the sun came out. It took me a few weeks but I finally came out of my depressive funk.

winter-blues

I actually began to feel better. Little did I know I was approaching what we now know as the MANIA TRAIN! It all started out innocent enough. I got some spur up my butt energy, and started doing chores around the house. I was beginning to feel so good (it had been a 3-month long depression), I began gardening. Not just your average pulling weeds and planting flowers but planning an enormous vegetable garden. Mind you, I’ve NEVER EVER grown a thing in my life. Hell, I had a brown thumb. Things would die at the sight of me!

I talked my husband into helping me, and off we went! I had over 30 kinds of veggies & fruit going! Remember, I said I had no experience. Which makes it funnier. I started it all from seed instead of already grown starts. Lol! It was a ridiculous amount of work to say the least. But I told myself I could handle it! Well…

My garden looked beautiful. And as it would turn out, all thanks to my wonderful husband! You see my mania was getting worse, my speech was sometimes not understandable, I was leaving my home often (where in my depression I couldn’t leave my home), I stared the infamous grandiose thinking, had ramped anxiety attacks causing me to flee home on more than one occasion, and could only think of myself. Everyone was second to me at that time. So my husband was the one left to care for the veggie & fruits garden along with other duties at home I was neglecting.

???????????????????????????????

Mind you I’m normally an attentive wife and mother, but during this time I could only handle so much pressure at that time. All my actions were completely out of character for me.

I often felt trapped at home, my husband would want to hug and kiss me only to be reciprocated with a cold shoulder. I eventually took on a few more projects like crotchet, and photography. Then I got major into exercise, and dieting. Long story short, I ended up losing over 80 lbs. in 6-8 months on 2 hours everyday of vigorous exercising, and relying on a staple of vegetable juice. Not really healthy, but I lost the weight I had gained during years of depression. Sad, I eventually gained it back through depression.

But I digress, my world around me was beginning to resemble a bad movie, but staring me! In November during a Black Friday Sale at Wal-Mart I took off from my house, made it over an hour and a half to the nearest Wal-Mart and proceeded to buy all I could with $500 dollars

black-friday-walmart-001

 

It was midnight mind you, and not a time for a young lady to be out alone. But that didn’t matter to me. I was invincible! I bought a sewing machine (never used, don’t know how to sew), a Ping-Pong table (again, never played before), new pots and pans, DVDs, video games, posters, you name it!

Well, you get the idea. So as you see I was in a spiral, a literal countdown to destruction. Either I was going to get better or worse. Well it got worse!

One night my husband was desperately trying to make me feel better (though to me nothing was wrong) and bought me a dozen red roses, and some much-needed cake pans. How sweet he is…well at the time I didn’t think so! I felt he was suffocating me, and instead of thanking him I bolted out of the house screaming “leave me alone, don’t follow me, just stop, just stop!”

car driving down a dark highway late at night

I left home driving a little erratic into town. My nerves were shot, my anxiety was in overdrive. My body started to tremble as if I were super cold. I turned on my car heater to full blast. My face began to turn red, but my body couldn’t warm up. Eventually, I traveled to the next town not knowing where to go. By this time I’d been gone over 2-hours. I stopped and turned around after a 1/2 hour of wandering. I ended up back to my town, and went inside our local diner. I order food and a drink but hardly touched it. I just needed to settle down before I could go home. I was there for at least another 2-hours just hanging out. Mind you it was at least 11pm at night.

___ wonder why he or she is alone after all why is anyone alone finally

I eventually left, and headed home unsure as to what I should expect. Would my husband be mad? Would my kids be mad? Would I have to explain my actions, if so how? I barely understood why I was so upset in the first place!

I moseyed on home and got back around midnight. My kids had all gone to bed, and my husband was awake waiting up for me. He surprisingly wasn’t mad. Just concerned, and felt bad for setting me off. I felt horrible! What did I do? Why did I react in such a way to such a kind gesture? We eventually talked it over, and went to bed.

The next couple of weeks got more intense…

In my next blog, I will elaborate on that.

Share
bipolarme

bipolarme

Living with type 1 bipolar disorder, PTSD (due to childhood trauma), Rapid Cycling, and Seasonal Affective Disorder. Writing about my life experiences.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Think Positive

Dr. Stephen Covey

Every human has four endowments- self-awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change.

Demi Lovato

No matter what you're going through, there's a light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem hard to get to it but you can do it and just keep working towards it and you'll find the positive side of things.

Elbert Hubbard

Positive anything is better than negative nothing.