Bipolar I and Paranoid Delusions

paranoid

Having Type 1 Bipolar Disorder hasn’t always been fun and games…enter sarcasm.

There have been many times I’ve experienced paranoid delusions.

Here’s my example.

After being diagnosed I stayed on my medication for about a year. Though, I wasn’t convinced I was bipolar. I also hated the side effects of what I was taking. I had a hard time swallowing that diagnosis. Could I really be that mental? Am I possibly just hormonally imbalanced? Was I misdiagnosed?

A slew of questions swarmed my head.

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I talked to my husband about me going off my medication. I told him I did research and found many people managed with a better diet, and therapy.

I do have the greatest husband in the world.

He reluctantly agreed, and there it was done. I had decided to discontinue my medication and had the support of my husband. After all he only wanted me to be happy.

My next appointment with my psychiatrist, I told him I was through with theses medications and I wanted to discontinue taking them. To his surprise, he highly suggested I not do that. Explaining I have a real disorder, and stopping my medication could throw me into depression or worse mania!

No medication needed

I didn’t want to listen as my mind was made up. I was through, and knew I could manage whatever was wrong through diet and therapy.

So off the lithium I went, off the anxiety pills, and off the mood stabilizers.

In a week I started feeling my old self again. I wasn’t sleepy, wasn’t feeling weird side effects, no depression, just me!

I had begun doing things around the house, exercising, and cooking up a storm.

For the 1st time in a year I felt better than ever.

Feeling Better

Well, eventually all good things come to an end! Three weeks went by and I was in the beginning of mania. Although I didn’t realize it. At this time I was convinced there was nothing wrong with me. That my losing my creativity, my mojo was all due to the medication.

I have a lot of unresolved issues, so I thought seeing a therapist was a good idea, not for bipolar mind you, but to deal with my issues.

I went to an eccentric therapist, she practiced eastern medicine. Well, needless to say it was an interesting 1st, and last session I ever had with her. In a nutshell, she was not psychotherapy by any means, and even went as far as to “clean my Ora!”

So, now I was without a therapist, had hardly changed my diet, and on a spiral into mania.

Cuáles son los síntomas de la hipomanía_

It didn’t take but another few weeks before I would begin to lose myself. I started in with the rapid speech, insomnia, irritability, grandiose thing, nonsensical thinking, attention issues, and a new symptom…paranoid delusions!

I began to feel that certain people were out to get me. To trash me in some way. I eventually withdrew my associations with friends, and became a recluse. To follow, I began seeing and hearing things that no one else did.

Sipsey Street Irregulars

This would freak me out! I would be alone in my home and swear to no end that a man in black would cross from one bedroom to the bathroom. I would hear music playing when none was.

This began to frighten me.

A few months went by and I finally came to the conclusion I needed help. It was very hard for me to convince myself I was bipolar.

So I made an appointment with my primary care physician to get some tests done.

Medical Lab Testing

I had tested my hormone levels to see if I was just imbalanced or maybe premenopausal..although I’m not that old, but was willing to accept anything but bipolar at that time! I even had a thyroid test taken. All came back normal. Which lead me to only one conclusion.

I must be bipolar!

must be bipolar

It was a sad moment for me. I left the doctor’s office, and went home to cry. I cried for hours alone. Now I was feeling bad not just because I had come to terms, but because I read my husband the riot act for ever insinuating I was ever bipolar. Just shy of calling him a monster for ever seeing me that way.

I was now eating humble pie!

Eating Humble Pie_ Humility and Arrogance

So, I alone decided to go back on my medication and sought out a new psychiatrist to help me. My husband was relieved and supportive.

I would get on Abilify, Depakote, and Prozac to help balance me out. With in two to three weeks my paranoid delusions would disappear. My stability would come back, and things were better at home.

It was a hard lesson but I think it was for the better. I got to see me on and off medication, and realize I’m better off in the long and short run being medicated.

I do have a hard time taking my medication from time-to-time, but I’m reminded of how scary not taking it could be.

___ Kids with Autism and Comorbid Psychiatric Disorders Take Medication

Have you ever stopped taking your medication? What was your experience? Please share in the comments or DM be personally via twitter.

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bipolarme

bipolarme

Living with type 1 bipolar disorder, PTSD (due to childhood trauma), Rapid Cycling, and Seasonal Affective Disorder. Writing about my life experiences.

0 thoughts on “Bipolar I and Paranoid Delusions

  • August 16, 2014 at 7:04 pm
    Permalink

    Thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately, it is too common a story. Hopefully in telling it, you can spare some others with bipolar (and their families) the pain and potential destruction of denying their diagnoses and not taking medication.

    Reply
    • August 17, 2014 at 4:58 pm
      Permalink

      Yeah, sorry for the wall of text. I get a little hyper in the morning if I’m late taking my pills. I’m sure we can all identify with that some days.

      Reply
  • August 17, 2014 at 3:40 pm
    Permalink

    The first time I was hospitalized against my will, I was seventeen. I refused all medication and treatment. The next two times I admitted myself and they couldn’t diagnose me. So, they prescribed all the wrong medications and made me ten times worse. I stopped them of course, but lived with incredibly terrible side effects for half a year. In my opinion, some of our symptoms are reactions to the medications we’re getting prescribed and going on and off of so often.

    They won’t admit it, but I seem to pick up a new symptom or two with every medication I’ve been on. I started off with intrusive thoughts and depression. The impulse to act on the intrusive thoughts or they wouldn’t stop. Years later, I have a vocal twitch almost like Tourette’s. I rapid cycle. I have mixed manic and depressive episodes. I cry for absolutely no reason at all only hours after waking up in the morning. I’m paranoid as all hell. I see things some days. I feel like everybody I plotting against me for some unknown reason. I’ve alienated myself from all friends and family. I live like a recluse and only rarely go outside. If it wasn’t for my dog, I probably wouldn’t go out at all.

    Ooops, sorry for the wall of text. Yes, I guess to answer your question. I have gone off my meds before and it’s usually something that ends in disaster. I don’t however subscribe to the belief that all of our symptoms are caused by the disorder. I think some of these meds have permanent, mind altering side effects that the drug companies are not willing to admit. They’re making too much money.

    As for psychiatrists, the pharmaceutical reps bribe them when they can legally. In cases when they can’t bribe them for legal reasons, they offer them free seminars and training; only this “training” takes place at popular vacation resorts and destinations, but that’s not a “bribe” right?

    One of the worst meds to go off quickly is Lithium. There’s been a lot of research on it and going off it too quickly can turn you into a rapid cycling bipolar even if you were only having an episode a year before. That’s why they recommend you go off as slowly as possible.

    That said, Lithium worked great for me until it killed my thyroid and started damaging my kidneys. I had to be taken off it to avoid permanent damage.

    Reply
  • September 8, 2014 at 6:55 am
    Permalink

    Oh I know this story all too well. I get fed up that my meds weren’t working the way I “think” they should work or I got tired of being a slave to my medication bin, dispensing and taking my meds every morning and every night like a time clock. When I take myself off my meds, its usually in a fit of, “I’ll show them, I’ll do this thang on my own”. Always to disastrous results. I’ve had a good run this time around and fortunately I have my husband keeping watch to make sure I stick to it.

    Reply

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